Misconceptions
by ShadowSilk
Summary: The kages have decided to forever ally Sunagakure and Konoha, sealing the bond through an arranged marriage. But not everyone is happy. Can Shikamaru get out of this troublesome mess before time runs out? [COMPLETE]
1. First Date

**Author's Note**: Credit goes to Crimson Cutie for the wonderful plot bunny that inspired this fic. Thank you so much!

**Disclaimer**: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Warnings**: The characters are going to go to great lengths to escape this wedding. Craziness will ensue. You have been warned.

Anyway, here you go! Enjoy!

* * *

"So…Shikamaru, long time no see," Temari said. She rested her elbows on the table, lacing her fingers together. "Have you been on any missions lately?" 

Shikamaru leaned back in his chair, putting his feet up on the table. He rested his heels atop a bowl of rice, small grains sticking to the rubber soles of his sandals.

"Eh," he said, picking at his teeth with a chopstick. He set down the eating utensil and pointed at Temari's untouched bowl of udon. "You gonna eat that?"

Temari pushed the bowl across the table. Tilting her head, she gave him a cheerful smile.

_Damn it_, Shikamaru thought. _I'll have to try a new approach_.

"That's a…very ugly dress you're wearing," he said bluntly, after wiping the rice off of his sandals with the tablecloth. He eyed her critically, holding a glass of water to his lips. "You look like a hag."

"I think it looks ugly too!" Temari replied, with a bubbly laugh. "At least someone agrees with me!"

Dumbfounded, Shikamaru stared at her, dropping the glass of water. It crashed to the ground, exploding in a flurry of glass and liquid. The patrons of the restaurant looked over in disgust.

"You're so honest," Temari continued. She reached out and softly touched his hand. "That's why I think you're such a great person."

_NO!_ Shikamaru was screaming inside his head, staring at the kunoichi's hand. Her warm fingers lay over his, almost in an affectionate way. _This isn't how it's supposed to happen!_

Panicking, he tipped over the steaming-hot bowl of udon. The boiling broth went pouring over Temari's hand.

* * *

"_I don't want to marry Temari_!" 

Nara Yoshino slammed down the dish she had been washing, splitting it in half. She turned her head slowly, fixing her son with a terrible stare.

"It's all been settled with the Hokage. This marriage will ally Konohagakure and Sunagakure," Yoshino paused, "forever."

"You called me over to tell me that you're making me marry Temari."

"Yes."

Shikamaru sighed, sitting down on an old wooden chair. "Women are so troublesome," he muttered.

"I _heard that_."

Shikamaru looked up. His mother's face was inches away from his own. He scooted back.

"Sabaku no Temari is a lovely young woman." Yoshino gazed at Shikamaru unnervingly. "She'll keep you in line."

"Why do _I _have to marry her?"

Yoshino walked back to the sink. "The Hokage and Kazekage have decided to keep the two hidden villages allies by a marriage. The Kazekage's sister was available and last week, the Godaime sent out a call for any single men to court her." Shikamaru's mother glanced at him. His eyes were wide and mouth slightly open. "And you have nothing better to do, so I signed you up. And you were chosen."

"_Signed me up_?! This isn't like signing up for pottery class! _You're marrying me off_!"

"It'll be a good experience. You're just like your father," Yoshino said, grinning menacingly. "You need a good, tough woman in your life!"

"Why Temari?" groaned Shikamaru. "She's too bossy! And she gives me a headache!"

Yoshino grinned wider. "Exactly."

* * *

"_WHAT_?!" 

Gaara watched impassively as his older sister leaped over the elder's desk, grabbing him by the collar. All around the room, the other Sunagakure officials gasped.

"_You're marrying me off to some random Konoha nin_?" she hissed. "_Is this your sick idea of a joke_?"

"Y-yes, Temari-san," the man squeaked, "I mean n-no…I mean…"

"Temari, please put him down."

Gaara was staring at her calmly. With a gusty sigh, she let go of the terrified official.

"Why are you doing this to me? I don't want to get married," Temari said in a high pitched voice. Across the room, Kankuro winced.

_She's gonna blow any minute_, he thought grimly to himself. He began to discreetly inch towards the door.

"There is an ancient tradition of marrying two nin from different villages," Gaara said patiently. "The marriage symbolizes eternal trust between the two villages, and allies them forever."

"But Sunagakure and Konoha are already allies!" Temari protested desperately. "Why…?"

"This fastens the bonds permanently," Baki, her former teacher, replied. "Once the marriage has been sealed, neither country will worry about betrayal, especially during times of war. Commerce will bloom, resources will greatly expand. Sunagakure will greatly benefit from this."

"And you are the sister of the Kazekage," an elder added, "as well as the liaison and messenger between Suna and Konoha. You know much about Konoha." He cleared his throat. "You were the perfect candidate for the marriage."

Temari glared at him.

"I feel sorry for that fellow she has to marry," a pointy-chinned elder whispered to her comrade. "She's a wild one."

"_I heard that_," hissed Temari. She looked around the room wildly, her eyes blazing. "Is there anything else you would like to tell me?"

"Temari," Gaara said. He folded his hands above the table, closing his eyes. "This idea of marriage was decided quite a while ago. On my last trip to Konoha, that was the topic of discussion." She looked up at his older sister, his eyes impassive. "The Godaime sent out a call for possible prospects on that day. And your husband has been chosen."

"Who is it?" Temari said, tightening her fists.

It was silent. Suddenly, Gaara answered his sister.

"Nara…Shikamaru."

* * *

"I had a wonderful time," Temari said. 

Temari and Shikamaru stood outside of the restaurant, nightfall settling all around them. The last vestiges of daylight faded away, slipping upward until they were completely hidden by the milky darkness. The shinobi glanced at his date's bandaged hand. Shikamaru felt a little remorseful, but quickly shook the feeling away.

"I'll see you tomorrow night," Temari said, smiling. "Where would you like to go?"

Shikamaru looked up at the sky, sighing. "I don't care."

"How about that one formal restaurant...?"

"Okay." Shikamaru coughed loudly, not bothering to cover his mouth.

"Are you all right?"

"I have a migraine. Your voice is really shrill." Which was half true. Shikamaru really did have a headache.

"…all right. I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Okay."

* * *

"SHIKAMARU?!" 

"Is there a problem. Temari?" an elder asked.

"Hell _yes_ there is! You _picked_ my _husband_ for me! And you went and picked that...that..._Shikamaru!_"

Once again, there were gasps from the high-ranking officials around the room. Kankuro had to smile. His older sister was usually somewhat calm and agreeable, but she couldn't stand it if someone chose things for her. Especially without telling her. Kankuro shook his head. _This is gonna be great!_ he thought.

"The Hokage felt that this would be a good match," the pointy-chinned elder said. "She said that you are friends. Your ninja skills are compatible."

"We're _compatible_ now, are we?" Temari's voice was rising.

"To tell you the truth, there weren't many other candidates. Nara-san was the most reputable one of them," one of the elders remarked. "He took down an Akatsuki member in his youth, he's a Jounin, part of the Nara clan…"

"_The man lives with deer_!"

"Temari," Baki said seriously. "Don't antagonize Shikamaru-san. This is a matter of great importance." He glanced at Gaara, who was staring intently at him. "For diplomatic reasons, no matter what he does, you must act courteous," Baki said, stressing his words. He leaned back in his chair. "Be nice. You can't ruin this arrangement."

The pointy-chinned elder spoke, barely trying to conceal the grin on her face. "Try to have fun with it. Flirt a little."

Temari tightened her fists.

"You will get seven days to get acquainted with Nara-san. At the end of this week, you will be married in Konoha," Gaara said. His eyes held a slight hint of sadness. He spoke almost inaudibly. "I'm sorry, Temari."

The kunoichi shook her head. "I'll go pack, Kazekage-sama."

Without another word, she turned around and headed out the door.

It was silent for several moments, until Kankuro spoke.

"Well, that was quite a show," he said, amused.

* * *

Shikamaru barged into his apartment, a livid look upon his face. Chouji was sitting at his dining room table, audibly crunching on a fistful of potato chips. 

"How was the date?" Chouji asked, between mouthfuls.

Shikamaru sighed, sitting down on his couch. "Troublesome."

"Did you follow my advice?"

"I did," Shikamaru said accusingly. "I tried to be as rude as possible, just like you said." He glared at his friend. "You said it would work! You said that it would make Temari so disgusted that she would call off the wedding!"

"It should have worked!" protested Chouji. "Why, what did she do?"

"She _liked _it," Shikamaru hissed. "She thought I was being _honest_."

"Well then, she has some issues," Chouji said, peering into his bag of potato chips. "Or maybe it's that time of month."

"I have to change my tactics," Shikamaru muttered. "_I can't marry her_." He leapt over the couch, grabbing his friend by the shoulders. "Good god, Chouji, she's like my _mother_!"

"I thought you and Temari were friends," said Chouji, feeling around the bottom of the chip bag.

"We were," Shikamaru sighed, "a while ago. I haven't spoken to her in years." He looked up at the ceiling. "I don't want to marry her, Chouji."

"What are you going to do?"

Shikamaru thought for a minute, eyes closed in concentration. After several moments of silence, he spoke.

"I don't really know that much about women," Shikamaru admitted.

Chouji rummaged through the kitchen cabinets, searching for another bag of potato chips.

"I guess I'll ask the other Konoha males for advice," Shikamaru said finally. "There are six more dates before our wedding. I can't call it off—the Hokage and my mother would be after me. And you know how my mother gets." He had a determined look in his eyes. "I have to make her call it off. She's the sister of the Kazekage; I'm sure Gaara would listen to her."

His friend quickly pocketed the crinkly bag, then smiled sadly. "I hope you can get out of this, Shikamaru."

"Me too." Shikamaru heaved a gusty sigh, slumping over the coach. "Women are so troublesome."

* * *

Kankuro looked up as his sister barged into the apartment. The Hokage had given the siblings a small apartment in Konoha five days earlier. It was an average-sized space, perfectly comfortable without being too cramped. 

"Uh-oh," he remarked. "Someone looks a little pissed off."

Temari slammed the door, leaving a crack in the wood.

"I hate Shikamaru," Temari muttered. "That obnoxious, udon-tipping _bastard_…"

"What happened to your hand?" Kankuro asked, his eyebrows raised.

"_Shikamaru_," his sister hissed. She flung herself on the couch, examining the bandages on her hand. "And I had to endure it all with a cheery smile on my face." She crossed her arms, mumbling angrily. "Stupid diplomatic rules…I wish I could've put a kunai to his head…"

"Well, what are you going to do? Beg Gaara and the other elders to call it off?"

Temari laughed bitterly.

"You think I haven't tried that? They say that it's my sacrifice for Sunagakure. It's _my duty_."

"To get hitched?"

"Great, isn't it?" Temari snorted. "How would you like it if you were forced to marry some kid with a pineapple head?"

Her brother began to laugh hysterically.

"Oh, shut up, Kankuro."

Kankuro wiped a tear from his eye. "This is just too rich."

Temari glared at her brother. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

He gave her a serious look, then suddenly broke out into a wide smile. "_Hell yeah_!"

The kunoichi punched him in the arm.

* * *

**Author's Note**: Thanks for reading! And please, please review! 


	2. Avengers and Seasoning

**Author's Note:** Big thanks to everyone who reviewed! You guys are awesome!

**Disclaimer:** Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

* * *

Sasuke turned around, glaring at Shikamaru.

"Stop following me," he ordered. "I barely know you."

"Look," Shikamaru sighed. He gritted his teeth, mentally cursing himself. "I…need your advice."

The Uchiha raised one eyebrow.

"_Why_?" he asked suspiciously. "If you're trying to change your hairstyle again, I've already told you—"

"No, I'm not talking about that!" Shikamaru interrupted, exasperated. He grabbed Sasuke's shoulders and shook him. "I know about _a lot of things_. _A lot of things_. But…there is something that I really don't know much about."

He took a deep breath. This was painful.

"…I don't know anything about women."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

"Let go of me before I use my Sharingan on you."

Shikamaru, seeing the tomoe in Sasuke's eyes, quickly released him.

The Uchiha immediately stepped back and brushed off his shoulders.

"Why are you asking me?"

Shikamaru ground his teeth. "Back at the academy, _you_ had a lot of females after you, and somehow you kept them away…so maybe…you could give me some advice…?"

Sasuke, smirking, leaned against the side of the bridge, as the wind blew dramatically through his raven hair. He stared unnervingly at Shikamaru with his dark, mysterious Uchiha eyes, glimmering like bright pools of obsidian—

"Oh, stop that!" Shikamaru shouted. He threw his hands up in the air. "For the love of god! Can't you have a normal conversation without looking so damn cool for once?"

Sasuke turned his head, sniffing disdainfully.

"I," he said, pausing dramatically, "am an Uchiha. That is our _way_."

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. _Oh please_.

"So how do I keep Temari away?" Shikamaru asked impatiently.

Sasuke was silent for several moments, brooding, his face impassive. After a few minutes, Shikamaru noisily cleared his throat. Sasuke looked up.

"Well…?"

"You aren't an Uchiha. You lack the ability to do such a thing." Sasuke said matter-of-factly. "We draw in women with our angsty dispositions and attractive looks, then keep them away using our _natural_ aura of intimidation." He shook his head darkly. "Even _Itachi_ has that ability…How he exploits it…"

Shikamaru turned away, grumbling. "You Uchihas are so _annoying_."

Suddenly, his face lit up as it hit him.

"_That's it!_"

With that, he took off running.

"Thanks, Uchiha!"

"Hn." Sasuke posed coolly against the bridge, the breeze running through his hair. All of a sudden, the bridge's railing refused to support his weight any longer and broke off the bridge. With a loud, audible splash, the Uchiha plummeted into the stream.

As Sasuke resurfaced, he could hear Itachi's voice taunting him in his head.

_Foolish little brother—_

"Oh shut up!" Sasuke shouted. "I'm cold and I'm wet and I don't have time to listen to one of your damn speeches!"

_Well fine then_, Itachi's voice said, hurt. _I'm leaving_. _You're no fun._

"GO!"

* * *

Temari looked up as the jingling of the door signified the arrival of another guest.

_Oh, god, no…_she thought, her eyes widening at the sight of the newcomer. _Please don't let that be him_.

Oh, but it was. The dark-haired man began walking over to her, his hands shoved in his pockets and his face impassive.

Temari swore under her breath, then abruptly looked up.

"H-hi, Shikamaru…?"

The boy sat down across from her, without a word. His hair was hanging around his face, free of his typical ponytail. He was wearing a navy blue shirt with a ridiculously high collar, a large deer printed on the back.

Temari was inwardly restraining herself from leaping out the window and making a beeline right back to Suna. But of course, they would probably send her back.

She breathed in deeply and assumed a fake smile. "How are you tonight?"

Shikamaru looked away broodingly, folding his hands in front of his face.

For several moments, it was silent, aside from the clinking of silverware from over tables.

"Hn," Shikamaru said finally.

Temari suddenly felt a headache coming on. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

Kankuro was lying sprawled over the sofa, a line of drool coursing down his chin. The TV was still on, casting its bluish light over the Sand nin's motionless body.

"WAKE UP!"

Kankuro didn't respond.

"WAAAAAKE UUUUP!"

Temari screamed at her brother, violently shaking his shoulders.

"Five more minutes," he mumbled, turning away.

"_NO_!"

Kankuro suddenly found himself sprawled on the ground, tangled in his blankets. He let out a shout of pain as his head collided with the coffee table.

"You're a _bitch_," he growled, rubbing his head. He certainly looked like a mess. His purple facial paint was smeared all over his face, hair sticking up at odd angles.

"I have a _right_ to be a bitch, Kankuro," Temari snapped.

"Uh-oh," her brother remarked as he stood up. "What did Shikamaru do this time?"

"Today he went all psychotic on me," she said, sinking into the sofa. "He thinks he's an _avenger_."

"Like that other kid? What's his name?" Kankuro frowned, as he tried to remember the name. "Sasuke or something like that?"

"A thousand times worse," Temari shook her head. "At least that other kid has the whole angsty-brooding-attractive thing going for him." She turned towards her brother. "Shikamaru and angst DO NOT mix, Kankuro. It's horrifying."

Images of Shikamaru's deer shirt flashed through her mind.

Temari pulled in her knees, hugging herself. "I can _never_ eat venison again."

"Sounds like he has more mood swings than you do during that special time of month," her brother remarked.

Temari glared at Kankuro.

"I _do not_ have mood swings."

"Uh…yeah, you kind of do."

"Take that back or you'll never see Karasu again."

"You wouldn't."

"You know your old stuffed bear, Moki?" Temari grinned evilly. "Ever wonder where he went?"

"No!" Kankuro gasped. "You didn't!"

His sister smirked. "Oh yes."

Kankuro stared at her, his eyes wide. "I was right, you _are_ a bitch."

In response, Temari smacked him upside the head.

* * *

"So what are you going to order?" Temari asked lightly, picking up her menu.

Shikamaru glanced at the list of menu items.

"Eh."

Temari ended up ordering for her fiancée. A few moments later, a waiter with a mousy-looking toupee came by, carrying a large tray of many sweet-smelling dishes.

Shikamaru stared disdainfully at the plate of meat set before him.

"Is there something wrong, Shikamaru?" Temari asked, after taking a bite of fish.

He didn't answer. Instead he mechanically picked up a pair of chopsticks and extracted a small sliver of meat off his plate. Almost immediately after he put the food in his mouth, Shikamaru spat it back out. It landed with an unappetizing _plop_ on Temari's plate.

"Foolish dish of beef," he hissed at the plate. "You lack…seasoning!"

Temari watched in horror as Shikamaru picked up a large knife. It glinted dangerously in the light.

"What are you…"

With a loud squelch, the knife was driven through the plate. Rice and meat went flying everywhere.

Temari, along with the other guests, gaped at him in shock.

"Wh-_what_?"

"I…am an _avenger_," Shikamaru stated calmly.

Temari forced herself to blink.

"I'm…happy for you…?" Temari said, struggling to keep her voice pleasant. "That's…wonderful."

All of a sudden, Shikamaru leaped over the table and landed at another. Bowls of food were soon airborne, showering over the other patrons. The guests sitting around the table that Shikamaru now sat upon stared up at him in fright.

"_Ramen_!" Naruto, who had been passing by outside, suddenly vaulted through the open restaurant window and caught the bowl before it shattered against the ground. He cradled it tenderly in his arms.

"It has beef!" he exclaimed delightedly.

Shikamaru pointed at one of the plates of food.

"This has more seasoning than _mine_ did!" he shouted.

Temari surreptitiously slid down her seat.

Shikamaru pointed at one of the frightened guests. "You! You received more seasoning then I did!" He pushed up his sleeves. "We will fight, right here, right now! _I will avenge my lack of a satisfactory meal_!"

Temari turned away and tried to salvage what was left of her food. Unfortunately, most of it was currently decorating the floor.

"Here's your bill," a disgruntled waiter hissed, slapping down the piece of paper. "After you pay, you and your boyfriend will get out of here before we call the police."

Her eyes widened as she saw the piece of paper.

"WHAT?!"

* * *

Shikamaru was on his way home. After he and Temari had been kicked out of the restaurant, she had bid him good night and they parted ways. He walked slowly, head tilted to the stars.

"That's not how we Uchihas act."

He turned around, finding himself face to face with Sasuke.

"I saw you in that restaurant. That's not how we act."

Shikamaru sighed. "Well, I might have exaggerated a bit, but for the most part…yeah, that's how you Uchihas act."

"No," Sasuke insisted. "We have a mysterious, attractive quality that no one can replicate. You did the part no justice."

"All right," Shikamaru said, rolling his eyes.

Sasuke stared at him angrily. "You aren't a very good actor."

Shikamaru let out a heavy sigh. "I suppose you're right." He let out a bitter laugh. "Temari _complimented_ me. She told me that she'll support me, no matter what I decide to avenge. And she wished me a _good night_." He shook his head. "I think she _wants_ to get married."

Sasuke looked away.

He exhaled noisily. "How troublesome."

The Uchiha was silent yet again. He was thinking.

"Are you sure it isn't that time of month?"

* * *

**A/N**: Hope you liked it. Please review!

Next chapter coming soon!


	3. Museums and Insects

**Author's Note:** All righty, this is what will happen. This week, I will put up a new chapter every day. This fic shall be finished!

Enjoy and please review!

* * *

"…and that is why I've gathered you all here today."

Kiba, Akamaru, and Shino stared at Shikamaru incredulously.

"Are you saying that the ladies don't like us and _that's _why you want our advice on how to drive women away?" Kiba said, his voice growing louder in anger. "I have been considered the epitome of male charm by many women, thank you very much!"

Akamaru growled at Shikamaru, baring his teeth.

"Uh…" Shikamaru had to speak carefully. He couldn't afford to offend them. Shikamaru didn't want to admit it, but he desperately needed their help. "No…I just…"

"I find this rather offensive, Shikamaru," Shino said softly. He began to walk away. "I'm leaving."

Kiba and Akamaru followed him, leaving Shikamaru standing alone on the sidewalk.

"Wait!" Shikamaru thought quickly. "I…I need your _wisdom_!"

Kiba, Akamaru, and Shino turned around.

"I will not be bought by your indirect compliments," Shino said lightly. "Kiba, Akamaru, let's go."

"My _wisdom_?!" Kiba rushed forward, clapping Shikamaru on the shoulder. "Well, of course I'll help you, buddy!"

Shino sighed. "Kiba…"

Shikamaru gave him a tight-lipped smile and took a step back.

"All right," he said decisively. "Temari and I are going to the Konoha museum tomorrow. So here is the plan…"

* * *

"Come in, Kiba, Shino. Can you hear me?"

"Yup," Kiba said into the microphone. "Sure can."

"Kiba," Shino said, staring at him through mirrored sunglasses. "You are not being very professional. We are on a mission."

"What are you talking about?" Kiba chuckled. "Me, not being professional? Pssh."

"You should have replied, 'ten-four,'" Shino replied.

Kiba glanced at the clock. "But it's twelve-forty-five."

Shino sighed.

Kiba began to laugh. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Geez."

Shino stared at him, unimpressed.

"I don't think you were."

* * *

Shikamaru, as inconspicuously as possible, adjusted his ear-piece. The microphone was hidden under his shirt collar. He took a deep breath. Shino and Kiba were to instruct him on what to say, while listening in to the conversation.

The only problem was, Shikamaru had to somehow bug Temari.

Literally.

Earlier, Shino had ordered Shikamaru to outstretch his hand. Carefully, Shino set something on his palm.

"_Eh?" Shikamaru held his hand up to his eyes. "What's this?"_

"_This is my tracking bug," Shino stated simply._

"_But it's…real," Shikamaru said. The small black insect skittered nervously across his skin. "What am I supposed to do with a real bug?"_

"_This bug will be absorbing any sound waves or electrical impulses around him," replied Shino, somewhat stiffly. "My other bugs can sense his chakra, thus receiving all of that information and relaying it to me. Then, Kiba and I will be able to know exactly what is going on."_

_Shikamaru looked at him quizzically. "You're sure about this?_

"_Shikamaru," he said seriously, "I'm extremely confident when it comes to my bugs." He gazed at Shikamaru from behind mirrored glasses. "They live inside of me, after all. We have an unbreakable bond." A horde of black insects began collecting around his face. "An…unbreakable…bond."_

"_Er, yes you do," Shikamaru said, surreptitiously taking a step back. "Thanks."_

Now, he could see Temari making her way up the pathway. She was taking uncertain steps. Shikamaru tilted his head to the side. Was something wrong?

Ah, well. He would make sure of it soon. Shikamaru began to walk forward.

"Temari!" he called cheerfully, holding out his arms. "How are you?"

She certainly looked stunned as Shikamaru abruptly pulled her into a bear hug. He secretly placed the tiny insect under the collar of her shirt.

"Hi!" she said after Shikamaru had let go. She looked slightly panicky. After yesterday's outburst, she was very wary. "Uh, so, ready to go?"

"Of course!" Shikamaru answered good-naturedly. "Let's be off!"

He gallantly opened the door for Temari, stepping aside. While she went through the door, Shikamaru hissed into his lapel, "What should I do?"

"Wait," Shino answered calmly.

"What?!"

"Shikamaru, are you coming?" Temari asked. She frowned. "Who are you talking to?"

"Um…" Shikamaru furrowed his eyebrows pensively. "Myself."

"Oh. All right," Temari was confused. "Shall we go?"

"Right. Yes," he answered distantly.

"Okay." As they entered, Temari stole a look at Shikamaru. He almost looked as if he was listening to something, nodding at every word. But yet there was no one around them. Perhaps he was listening to some godforsaken voice in his head that no one else could hear. Temari grimaced at the thought. Voices inside his head. That would explain everything.

_Great_, she thought grimly. _I'm marrying a psychopath._

* * *

Kiba, Shino, and Akamaru sat around the table. A collection of black insects sat next to a radio, feeding all of the received chakra signals into the device for everyone to hear.

"_Oh. All right_. _Shall we go_?" Temari's voice came through the radio speakers.

"_Right. Yes_."

"_Okay_."

"So they're in," Kiba mused. "We have to make Shikamaru seem as obnoxious as possible so Temari will tell Gaara to call off the wedding." He put one fist under his chin. "Interesting."

Shino ignored him and picked up the microphone. "Okay, Shikamaru. Go to the sculpture garden and wait for further instructions."

"_Got it_."

"_Shikamaru? Who are you talking to?_"

"_Er, nothing._" There was an uncomfortable pause. "_Want to go to the sculpture garden_?"

"_All right_."

Shino spoke. "We have to wait and see how things turn out, first. Then we can provide instructions."

Kiba sighed, leaning back into his chair. "Waiting, huh?" He glanced over at Akamaru, who was seated on the table next to Shino's insects. Akamaru barked at the small creatures, batting them around in his paws.

"Hey, Akamaru, quit it," Kiba called. The nin-dog whined.

"We must come up with a plan. Something so intolerable that Temari will immediately contact Gaara," Shino said, lacing his fingers together. "Any ideas?"

A devilish grin spread across Kiba's face.

"Hell yes."

* * *

Shikamaru sat down on a stone bench across from Temari.

"How have you been doing?"

"I'm fine," Temari said wearily.

"You look tired," Shikamaru said. He fixed her with a stare. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm okay," Temari said. She didn't tell him that she had woken up several times during the night, plagued by nightmares of yesterday's date. "Just…didn't get enough sleep, I guess."

Shikamaru suddenly got that distant look in his eyes. He made a small noise in his throat.

Temari looked at him. "Are _you_ alright?"

Her fiancée looked as though he was being possessed. He was whispering to himself.

"Er, Shikamaru…?"

"Let's go to the painting gallery," he said quietly. "There's…something I have to do."

"All right then."

_Oh god…_

* * *

Shikamaru and Temari fell in step as they made their way down the corridor. Pristine portraits plastered the walls. Between each painting, there were large plaques mounted on the wall, warning visitors to refrain from touching the artwork.

Temari stopped at a canvas. "Shikamaru, look at this," she said, laughing. "Is this what I think it is?"

With precise strokes, the artist had painted a collection of kunai and shuriken. Next to the pile lay a steaming bowl of ramen.

"That Naruto kid would love this," said Temari, shaking her head. She grinned. "I bet all of the art critics love it too. Breaking new ground. Avant-garde."

The painting gallery security guard glared at them.

Temari noticed that Shikamaru had his eyes trained carefully on the painting.

"I…must…touch it."

Temari raised her eyebrows.

"Excuse me?"

Shikamaru faced her. "I must touch the painting."

"But there's a _do not tou_—"

Her fiancée ran forward and pressed his palms against the painting. The museum guard came sprinting over, his face livid. Alarms sounded, red lights flashed. Over the loudspeaker, a cold, automated voice spoke.

_Code red in painting gallery. Code red_.

"We have to go, Temari," Shikamaru said seriously. "Run."

"Run," Temari echoed faintly. She paled as a dozen museum guards began flooding into the room.

* * *

"You know, I kinda feel sorry for Temari," Kiba remarked. "Don't you?"

Shino stared at him. "A good shinobi never feels emotion on a mission."

"Well, maybe it's just you," Kiba said. "You _never_ feel emotion."

Shino ignored him. "What's that crunching sound?"

"What crunching so—" Kiba turned his head. "Oh…shit."

Akamaru sat on the table, looking guilty. Shino's insects were all gone, save for a few legs.

"Your dog just ate my bugs," Shino said quietly.

* * *

As they ran, Shikamaru began to speak into the hidden microphone in his lapel.

"Shino, Kiba, come in," he said under his breath. "Now what do we do?"

There was silence.

"Huh," Shikamaru said to himself. "Shino's bugs must not be working. Something must be wrong."

"Shikamaru. Follow me."

Temari led the shinobi into the women's bathroom.

"Quick, hide in the stall," she whispered. "We're going to have to change our appearances."

Temari and Shikamaru scrambled into a stall, locking the door. They both stood on the toilet, crouching down.

"I'll go first," Temari said in a soft voice. "_Henge no jutsu_!"

In a puff of smoke, she transformed into an elderly, graying woman. "Now you go," she said in a high-pitched voice.

"_Henge no jutsu_." When the smoke cleared, Nara Yoshino appeared.

"Your mother?" Temari asked.

"Eh, I couldn't think of anyone else," Shikamaru shrugged.

They carefully unlocked the stall door and exited the bathroom. Once outside, a pair of guards blocked their way.

"The museum is closed, ladies. A code red has been issued," a burly man said. "You must leave."

They obliged without a word.

* * *

"Well, Shikamaru, that certainly was an adventure. I had a lovely time," Temari said with a laugh. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He waved. "See you tomorrow."

As they walked away from each other, their faces darkened.

_Psychotic_, Temari thought darkly. She closed her eyes, sighing. She couldn't stop the marriage; she had accepted it weeks ago. But what really angered her were those goddamn diplomatic rules. Temari would have liked nothing better than to smack Shikamaru across the face.

She frowned, scratching at her scalp. Lice? It felt as though a horde of insects were nipping at her skin. She began to scratch like crazy. What he didn't know was that Shino's bugs were taking up residence in her hair.

_Crazy._ Shikamaru shook his head grimly. There was no way in hell he was going to marry her. Why didn't Temari tell him off? She had to be insane to put up with his obnoxious antics.

The engaged pair paced farther and farther from each other, each plotting their next step.

* * *

Shikamaru walked into his apartment to find Akamaru and Kiba tied to a chair with duct tape, socks stuffed in their mouths. Shino was sitting on the couch. He looked pleased with himself.

"What is going on here?" Shikamaru said, raising his eyebrows.

Shino faced Shikamaru, his expression dead serious.

"_No one_ eats my bugs. _No one_."


	4. Appearances

**Author's Note**: New chapter!

I've put in a certain Akatsuki character this chapter…I just couldn't resist. I was thinking over all of the guys in Konoha that Shikamaru could ask, and somehow, this character came to mind. However, certain events have led him to be in Konoha, so the appearance is a little bizarre… P

So this chapter may have spoilers if you don't read the manga.

Enjoy, and please review!

* * *

Shikamaru was lazily lying sprawled in the lush grass, staring up at the clear sky. Deer darted through the thick foliage all around him, disappearing quickly into the shadowy leaves before he could blink.

Of course, Shikamaru wasn't concerned with deer or plant life. No, he had come to this lonely clearing in his family's forest for _another_ reason.

"How can I make Temari hate me?" he mused, watching a wispy cloud dissolve overhead.

He folded his hands behind his head. "The whole acting-like-an-Uchiha thing didn't work. And the whole art museum fiasco doesn't work either. She likes me _even more_." He sighed. "What is wrong her?"

Shikamaru was silent for several moments, mulling over his limited options.

"Hey! _Over here_!"

Shikamaru sat up, looking around wildly. No one _ever_ came into the Nara Forest, save for its keepers. This voice was unlike those of his family members.

_It must be an intruder_.

Shikamaru up on his feet, gripping a kunai.

"Who's there?" he called. "Show yourself!"

"I_ can't, _you half-assed son of a bitch!" the voice snapped. "Dammit, I'm in a fucking hole!"

Shikamaru cautiously followed the sound of the voice. It…sounded somewhat familiar.

He soon came upon a small pit, filled up with water.

"What the…"

It was Hidan, his severed head was bobbing in the water. It was rather disturbing.

"Once I get my body back, I swear I'll rip out your kidneys and offer them to Jashin-sama," Hidan growled. "I've been stuck here for years. _Seriously_."

Shikamaru stared at him, mouth agape.

"Y-you…" he gasped. Suddenly, his face turned red with anger. "_Why aren't you dead_?" he demanded.

"What?!" Hidan began laughing. It was a very bizarre sight. "Me, _dead_?" He was in hysterics.

"YES!" shouted Shikamaru, stomping his foot. "Why aren't you dead? I blew you up into a million pieces!"

"I'm immortal, remember?" Hidan said dryly. "Shit, I thought you were the smart one."

Shikamaru glared at him. "Get back in the dirt."

"Hell no!" Hidan said. "Last night, when it rained, the water from that stream ran off into this here soil. Would you believe that all that water pushed my head to the surface?" Hidan smiled, satisfied. "It's the work of Jashin-sama, I'm not even kidding you."

Shikamaru regarded his floating head, unimpressed. "You're just a head."

"And you're a hopeless bastard with a pineapple-shaped head," Hidan retorted.

Shikamaru turned away. "I'm going back to my cloud watching."

He began to make his way back to the clearing when Hidan suddenly called out, "Hey, I heard you talking about some sort of a…chick problem?"

Shikamaru slowly turned his head. "Hm?"

"I can help," Hidan said, grinning.

"And why would I want help from _you_?" Shikamaru asked, raising an eyebrow.

Hidan gave him an insulted look. "Are you kidding me? People _jump_ at the chance to get my advice."

"I don't believe you."

"I have some of Jashin-sama's knowledge on my side," Hidan said. "And he knows _everything_." He lowered his voice. "_Seriously_."

"Fine," Shikamaru sighed. "What do you think I should do?"

"Well, what exactly are you _trying _to do?" Hidan inquired, smirking.

Shikamaru sat across from the hole. He let out a gusty sigh. "I'm trying to make her hate me so much, that she'll call of our marriage."

Hidan's eyes went wide. "You're getting _hitched_?" He began to laugh. "_Y-you_?! Getting married! _Ha_!" Tears began welling up in the corners of his eyes. _"You're killing me_!"

Shikamaru fixed him with an icy glare. "Do you want me to bury your head?"

Hidan instantly became serious.

"Listen, Pineapples. I may not know how to drive away women, but I sure know how to make them _flock to me_," Hidan stated. "So—"

"—so I would have to do the opposite," Shikamaru finished.

"You're smart after all," Hidan's head began to tilt to the side.

"So how do you attract women?" Shikamaru asked impatiently.

"Isn't it _obvious_?" Hidan said, sounding insulted. "I'm a follower of Jashin." He beamed. "Who _wouldn't_ be attracted to me?"

Shikamaru began to walk away. "I'm leaving."

"_Come back_!" Hidan roared. "_I have more advice_!"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes and returned. He crossed his arms edgily.

"Make it quick," he said. "Or I'll take your head and bury it in a public restroom."

Hidan grumbled to himself. "Fine. I'll tell you." He looked up at Shikamaru. "Come _closer_."

Shikamaru grudgingly obliged.

"Here's my secret," the religious man whispered conspiratorially. "It's all in…my _appearance_."

"Your appearance," Shikamaru repeated. He looked at Hidan, scrutinizing him. "I don't see it."

"What are you talking about?" Hidan demanded angrily. "_Look at me_, damn it!" His eyebrows were knit-low. "People would _kill_ for my hair! _Kill_!"

Shikamaru closed his eyes. "Okay. So what you're saying is, to drive Temari away, I have to be…ugly?"

"Uh-huh," Hidan agreed. "Ugly as hell." Suddenly, his eyes went wide. "Wait, Subaku no Temari? _That one_?"

Shikamaru watched him quizzically. "Uh, yeah…?"

"She's a crazy bitch," Hidan said, his voice full of admiration. "A crazy…_bitch_."

"Hey," Shikamaru said, confused. "How do you know her?"

Hidan smirked at him. "I've heard things."

* * *

Temari was pacing at the park gates. He was nearly a _half hour_ late. She narrowed her eyes.

In the distance, she could see a brightly-clad figure walking towards her, hands shoved deep into neon pockets.

"Hey."

Temari froze.

"Shikamaru?"

Her fiancée was clad in a very interesting plethora of fabrics. Upon his…curled…locks, a purple fedora with a massive feather was carefully tilted slightly to the side. He wore a plastic suit jacket, which boasted a rather grotesque pattern of neon shapes in garish colors. Much to Temari's horror, she noticed that Shikamaru was proudly sporting hot pink leather pants, which matched the rims of his large sunglasses.

_Oh god_, Temari thought, cringing. _He's a walking fashion disaster_.

"So how are you, Temari?" Shikamaru said casually. "Ready to go through the park?"

Temari blinked.

He was actually acting somewhat _sane_ for once…?

"Um, yes," she said, tilting her head to the side. She conjured up a smile. "I…I'm fine, thank you."

They stood in silence for several moments. _Be nice_, Baki's voice rang through Temari's head.

She spoke nervously. "I…love your hat. It's so…unique."

She thought she saw a ghost of a grimace cross Shikamaru's face, but shook her head. It must have been the shadows.

"Let's go," Shikamaru said lightly, offering her his arm. Temari gingerly took it.

And with that, the strange couple descended down the steps and made their way to the park.

* * *

They were making their way down a quaint cobblestone path, which followed a snaking river. The landscape was rather beautiful; muted greens and painted golds were laced together through the curved leaves overhead, reflecting back in the constantly shifting water. The perfect setting for a peaceful stroll through Konoha's natural scenery.

Shikamaru walked next to Temari, trying to look as ugly as possible. He twisted his face into a various array of grotesque facial expressions. But something wasn't working. Temari smiled at him, spoke cheerfully as ever.

To make matters worse, passerby would point not quite so discreetly at him, hastily trying to stifle their laughter.

_Look at Shikamaru_.

_I feel sorry for that Sand kunoichi he has to marry_.

_Look at those leather pants_. _He must be chafing._

_What a freak._

Shikamaru scowled and turned away from them. _They_ thought he was ugly. What was wrong with Temari?

"I am _not_ chafing," he insisted quietly to himself.

Temari noticed Shikamaru's incoherent mumbling and surly expression.

"Are you all right?" she asked, concerned. "Are you sick?"

"No," Shikamaru sighed. He could hear the villagers' whispers all around him. "It's nothing."

Temari studied his face.

"No, it's not," she said confidently. She leaned in, cupping her hand around her mouth. "_It's the villagers, isn't it_?"

"What?" Shikamaru said.

"Eh, I've heard them whispering this whole time," she said, shrugging. "They were saying something about how you were ugly. Something like that."

Shikamaru remembered Hidan's words.

"Yes," he agreed, his voice monotone. "I am very ugly."

Temari raised her eyebrows. Shikamaru stood there, the sunlight reflecting off his colorful clothing and outlining his outrageous get-up in a twisted golden glow. He was framed in light, looking almost holy. Wearing neon leather pants. She bit her lip, trying to keep herself from laughing.

She couldn't hold it in.

She laughed.

Shikamaru looked at her, somewhat startled.

"Ugly?" Temari replied. "Well, I wouldn't go that far." She looked at him up and down. "Maybe they just aren't used to your fashion sense. It's kind of avant-garde."

Shikamaru was silent.

"You know," Temari said, jokingly. "I've always had a thing for bold neon patterns."

Shikamaru was so consumed with anger towards Hidan that he didn't catch the teasing tone in Temari's voice. His fury doubled.

_Hidan, I'm going to bury you when I get back_…

* * *

"So how'd it go, Pineapples?"

"Don't 'Pineapples' me," Shikamaru hissed. "You _lied_."

Hidan looked at the shinobi, confused. "Huh?"

"I went out in public dressed like _this_!" Shikamaru's voice rose. He gestured at his appalling garb. "The whole village thinks I'm _crazy_!"

Hidan raised his eyebrows. "Hey, at least the chick thinks you're crazy too. Isn't that what you wanted?"

Shikamaru fixed him with a terrible stare.

"_That's the problem_," he said, his voice rising. "She_ enjoyed_ our date!"

"Huh?"

"First," Shikamaru said, counting on his fingers, "she complimented my hat. Second, she told me that she loves it when men experiment with bold patterns. And _third_, she asked me if she could borrow my curling iron _so she could get her hair just like mine_!" Shikamaru stood over the whole, looking down at Hidan with flashing eyes.

"Okay, calm down. Seriously," Hidan said. "Maybe you weren't ugly enough." He frowned. "Maybe plastic surgery…"

"THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT!" Shikamaru shouted. He threw his arms in the air. "I ONLY HAVE A FEW DAYS UNTIL THE WEDDING!"

Hidan watched as Shikamaru stalked angrily away. He shook his head, or as much as his lack of body would allow, in pity.

"Poor heathen bastard," he remarked.

* * *

Kankuro was waiting there to greet his sister. "So how'd it go?"

Temari walked away silently, ignoring her brother.

He raised his eyebrows. "Females…"

She slammed the door behind her and sat down on her bed with a heavy sigh.

The date had not gone all that bad, Temari mused. They had taken a walk through the park, stopped at Ichiraku Ramen for lunch. He had actually acted somewhat normally. He could use a little bit of…help, but overall, it was all right. She had even given him a genuine smile.

Temari frowned. Shikamaru had seemed _very _different on every single date so far. Both personality-wise and appearance-wise.

Perhaps he had multiple identities?

Temari leaned back into her pillow.

"What is _wrong_ with him?"


	5. Questionable Inquiries

**Author's Note**: A big thank you to everyone who reviewed! I really appreciate it, seriously. Thank you so much!

And another thank you to the C2, The Dragon's Picks, for adding Misconceptions!

There may be a two day's delay before the finale--the last wedding chapter (two chapter finale!)--as I repeatedly check over it to make sure things end all right. But this fic will be finished before next Monday, I promise you.

And now on to the next chapter!

* * *

Bright sunlight was congregated around the cracks in the blinds, pushing thin sheets of light into the small bedroom. The morning light was on Temari's face, outlining her face in a golden glow. 

She mumbled incoherently and turned away from the gentle rays. She pulled the covers up to her chin, wrapping herself in a warm cocoon.

Wearily, Temari opened her eyes. Her eyes went wide as she found herself staring into the face of none other than Nara Shikamaru. He gave her a lazy smile.

"Hey…_honey_."

Temari screamed.

* * *

Temari abruptly sat up in her bed, breathing heavily. It was still dark outside. She checked the alarm clock. _6:00 am_. 

"It was only a dream," she assured herself. "Only…a…dream."

She took a couple of deep breaths. A glass of water would calm her nerves. Shaking, Temari planted her feet on the floor and ambled to the door. She carefully made her way to the kitchen, taking unsteady, small steps.

Temari rummaged through the cupboards, searching for a glass. She rolled her eyes, exasperated. Kankuro had rearranged all of their glassware again. It was the third time this week.

"I swear," Temari grumbled, finally locating a drinking glass, "he has some kind of a fetish."

"Hey."

Temari froze. The glass dropped to the floor, shattering into a thousand pieces.

Shikamaru was sitting nonchalantly at the kitchen table. Kankuro was seated beside him, frowning at the glass shards littering the tiled floor.

Temari gaped at them. It was six in the morning. Why the _hell_ was Shikamaru in her kitchen?

"Ah…" Kankuro tilted his head thoughtfully. "Nice pajamas, sis."

Shikamaru's face was expressionless.

Temari's eyes went wide. She was wearing her favorite pajamas, complete sand gourds and tiny raccoons printed all over the fabric. The flannel was worn down, leaving the cloth rough and shabby. And they were much too short—the pant legs came mid-calf. They had been her favorite since she was fourteen, after all.

Shikamaru was staring at her, his eyebrows raised. She felt her face go hot.

She was going to _kill_ Kankuro.

"Uh…hi, Shikamaru," she said, struggling to keep her voice pleasant. In truth, she felt like leaping forward and beating them both unconscious with her fan. "I'm…uh, going to go change now." With that, she darted out of the kitchen.

Kankuro turned to Shikamaru, clucking his tongue.

"See, what'd I tell you?" he said, shaking his head. "She's so head over heels for you, she's nervous to be in your presence."

Shikamaru put his face in his hands. "This is just so troublesome."

* * *

Temari cupped her hands around the steaming mug of coffee, lifting her gaze to Shikamaru's face. He held a slightly-nibbled piece of toast in his right palm, regarding it with a bored expression. He sighed. 

"There isn't enough butter," he remarked. "Troublesome service."

Temari gazed at her coffee, watching wisps of heat escaping into the air. They were the only customers in the small diner. She could feel the disapproving glare of the waitress, who was irritated due to Shikamaru's criticism, pounding into the back of her head.

"So, Shikamaru," she said, bringing the mug to her lips. "What exactly did you want to talk about?"

Shikamaru took a deep breath.

"Well," he started, "I just wanted to discuss…our children."

Temari nearly spat out her coffee. She began coughing, choking on the scalding liquid. It burned her throat.

"_What_?"

* * *

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming," Kankuro grumbled, shuffling to the door. It was still dark out. "Keep your shirt on, buddy." 

He flung open the door, ending the rhythmic thumping on the wood. There stood Shikamaru. He wore an exhausted expression upon his face.

"Kankuro," he said urgently, "I'm glad you answered the door."

The Sand nin raised his eyebrows.

"What are you doing here?" he hissed. "It's _five-thirty_ in the morning, idiot."

"I know," Shikamaru answered apologetically. "But I need to ask you…for advice." He gulped softly, lowering his voice. "About Temari."

Kankuro broke into a wide grin.

"Why didn't you say so?" he said, stepping aside. "Come on in."

* * *

Shikamaru sat across from Kankuro, drumming his fingers on the kitchen table. 

_I have to word this carefully_, Shikamaru thought to himself. _Temari is dead set on marrying me, so I'm sure she's convinced her brother to support the wedding._

"So…" Shikamaru said cautiously. "I just wanted to know what _not_ to do on a date with Temari…" He paused, crossing his arms. "…er, just so I don't…_offend_ her or anything." He gulped. Kankuro noted his nervousness, his apprehension. Something wasn't quite right.

Something clicked in Kankuro's mind. _Ah, I see_, he thought, smirking faintly. _So that's how it is_.

_This will be interesting._

"Well," he said dramatically. "You may not know this, but Temari is _painfully_ shy." He shook his head. "So, close contact usually does the trick."

"Close…contact?"

"Ask her personal questions…especially about your marriage," Kankuro said, lacing his fingers together. "Get _really_ close to her." He clucked his tongue. "I swear, she's about as shy as that Hyuuga girl when it comes to intimacy."

Shikamaru made a mental note to himself. "I see."

Kankuro nodded. "You're a good kid," he said approvingly. "So, are you looking forward to the wedding?"

Shikamaru's calm disposition faltered a bit. He stuttered. "Uh…yes. Yes, I am."

The puppet master smirked knowingly. _I bet you are_.

Instead, he said aloud, "Weren't you two pretty close friends a few years ago? When Temari was the liason between our villages?"

"Yes, but then—"

At that moment, Temari shuffled into the kitchen. She looked half-dead. Her blonde hair was sticking up all over her head. Kankuro held back a laugh. She was wearing the raccoon pajamas.

Shikamaru tilted his head to the side, looking thoughtful.

"Hey."

* * *

Temari looked at him, aghast. "Our _children_?" Her face was flushed deep vermillion. 

_Kankuro was right_, Shikamaru thought calmly. _She _is _painfully shy_. _She can hardly speak_.

"Yes," he stated, as if bringing up child-bearing at six-thirty in the morning was the most normal thing to do. "How many do you want to have?"

"I-I-I…" Temari was extremely flustered. _He wants to think about _that _already_?

"I'm not sure," she said in a high-pitched, strangled voice. "We'll…we'll see…"

Shikamaru inched closer to her. Temari's eyes went wide as he took her hand.

"I was thinking nine," he said in a low voice.

_The door swung open. In walked a slightly disheveled Shikamaru, his ANBU mask hanging off his shoulder._

"_Where were you?" Temari snapped, cradling two crying bundles in her arms. Two infants tugged at her ankles, screaming for attention. Behind her, there was a neat row of five cradles occupied by shrieking newborns. "I thought you were going to be home earlier!"_

_Shikamaru shrugged. "I was watching the clouds."_

"_I just gave birth…_again_…three days ago! To _QUINTUPLETS_!" she shouted at him. The children's crying was steadily rising to a crescendo. "I HELP, you lazy son of a bitch!"_

_Her husband sighed. "You are just so troublesome. I'm going to Chouji's house." With that, he left the room, leaving Temari with nine howling young children._

As she snapped back to reality, Temari made a choking sound in her throat and abruptly tore out of the diner. "Sorry-I-have-to-train," she mumbled over her shoulder, as she disappeared out the door.

Shikamaru shrugged, turning back to his toast. The waitress was staring at him.

"You…you _creep_," she said in disgust, slapping down the bill.

* * *

Temari briskly ran into the apartment, breathing heavily. 

Kankuro looked up from the newspaper.

"Temari," he said. "Your face is all pale. What happened?"

"I don't want to procreate with him," she said in a haunted tone. She grabbed her brother by the shoulders and began to shake him. "I don't want to have children with _HIM_!"

She took off to her room, slamming the door behind her.

Kankuro raised his eyebrows.

"What was that all about?"


	6. Catalysts and Explosions

**Author's Note**: Date 6.

I am so sorry for the interruption in the updates. You can always look on my profile page to see any story news in the future. Again, I apologize.

A MASSIVE thank you to everyone who reviewed. I really appreciate it, seriously. Your reviews keep me going. Thank you so much.

And thank you to the C2 that added this fic, The Dragon's Picks.

Enjoy and please review!

* * *

A single candle illuminated the dusty room, casting shifting designs over the cold floor. Shikamaru was perched carefully on a rickety chair. He stared into the darkness, watching for a pair of cobalt eyes to meet his gaze.

"I need your help."

The figure hidden in the darkness closed its eyes. "Shikamaru, why are you asking me?"

"I hate to admit it," Shikamaru said slowly, "but you're the only one who can help me with my problem." He narrowed his eyes. "After tonight, there will be one more date before the wedding." He was silent for several moments.

"I can't marry her."

"Why?" the figure asked. "You were both really close friends a few years back, right?"

"Well, yes," he said, frowning. "Seven years ago, she just stopped coming to Konoha. I never saw her again." He lowered his eyes. "Until now."

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "I barely know her anymore. I can't marry her."

"I see," the dark figure said thoughtfully. "Well then, I'll help you. But you're going to have to do something for me."

"I'll do anything," Shikamaru's voice rang out decisively. "Name your price."

A small slip of paper was pushed across the table. Shikamaru picked it up, squinting at the messy handwriting.

"You drive a hard bargain, Naruto," he said, shaking his head. "A month's supply of ramen? Do you know how much that costs? Geez."

The dark figure stepped out of the shadows. A wide grin was plastered across his face.

"You bet I do. That's why I don't have lighting in my apartment. Can't afford it," Naruto replied. "But _you…_you won't regret a penny." He beckoned Shikamaru with one hand. "Come with me. We're going to set up a plan But first…there's someone we have to visit."

* * *

Shikamaru sat across from Temari, his hands folded carefully in front of him. They were at his apartment, dining on takeout from a local restaurant.

"I just love their udon," Temari said, looking down at the steaming bowl. Unconsciously, she rubbed her hand, where faint traces of a burn mark were still visible.

"Yeah," Shikamaru got up. "I have to…get something."

"All right," his fiancée replied.

Shikamaru disappeared into the kitchen. Temari absently picked at a bowl of rice, moving the grains around with the tips of her chopsticks.

She jumped as the table was suddenly jostled. Looking up, startled, she saw Shikamaru supporting a mountain of cup ramen in his arms, struggling to balance it on the small space.

"Cup ramen?" Temari asked, raising an eyebrow. "We just ordered a lot of food from that restaurant."

"I know," sighed Shikamaru. "But before we're permanently bonded together…"—Here Temari twitched—"…I have a confession to make."

He lowered his voice.

"I'm addicted…to ramen."

"You're _what_?" the kunoichi frowned. "Did you say that you're addicted to…ramen?"

Shikamaru closed his eyes, mentally cursing himself for what he was going to do next.

"Datte…_dattebayo_!"

With that, he lunged forward and snatched a Styrofoam cup of instant ramen, savagely tearing the cover off. It drifted silently to the ground.

Temari watched in horror as he began to devour its uncooked contents.

* * *

An hour later, Temari found herself unable to move. She had just watched her future husband eat his way through at least two dozen bowls of instant ramen, smacking his lips and shrieking "_dattebayo"_ between every cup.

His teeth had gnashed, spit had flown all around the room. A mound of ramen bowl carcasses lay at his feet, like a battlefield strewn with dead nin.

Her eye twitched.

"That was just an appetizer," Shikamaru announced. "Want to go to Ichiraku Ramen?"

* * *

"Before, we make our plan, there's someone we have to visit," Naruto announced, leading Shikamaru down a hallway.

He gently pushed on the wood, leading into a large, bright room.

"Naruto! How are you doing?"

Behind a polished desk stacked with half-completed manuscripts sat the hermit Sannin, Jiraiya.

"Jiraiya-sensei," Naruto's voice was urgent, "Shikamaru needs your advice." He cupped one hand around his mouth. "About _women_!"

"Women, eh?" Jiraiya said, his face brightening. Grinning, he held up a small orange book and tapped one finger against its cover.

"Oh-ho-ho, I can tell you a _lot_ about women."

* * *

Temari followed him in a daze, not fully registering each step upon the shadowy ground. Her future husband marched in front of her, swinging his arms cheerfully, lifting each knee with gusto.

She felt nauseous. And the terrible thoughts entering her mind didn't help either.

Temari closed her eyes, willing herself to stay calm.

_It wasn't working._

* * *

The door swung open, tentatively at first. Temari wearily looked up. Her husband, sporting a toga-like outfit composed of many badly-clashing swatches of fabric, stepped into the apartment, hands behind his head.

"Where were you?" Temari snapped. "You were supposed to come home _five hours ago_."

"Eh. Cloud watching. The usual," Shikamaru replied, disinterested. "Did you make dinner?"

"I just gave birth…to QUINTUPLETS…five days ago," his wife protested. "I've been busy this entire day taking care of our children."

"You didn't make dinner?" said Shikamaru, raising one eyebrow. "Troublesome."

A vein in Temari's forehead pulsed.

He veered right into the kitchen, searching the cupboards for a cup of instant ramen. As soon as he found his prize, he set it on the counter and prepared a cup of steaming hot water in the microwave. Shikamaru poured the water in the Styrofoam cup with flourish and finally left the kitchen, leaving the wrappers and cups next to the sink, which was chock full of unwashed dishes.

He took a seat across from Temari, who had two sleeping infants bundled in her arms. Sighing, Shikamaru put up his feet on a low coffee table.

"Get your feet off the table," Temari hissed. "I just cleaned that."

Shikamaru ignored her, slurping up a large mass of stale ramen. He immediately spat it out, all over Temari, nearly missing two of his children.

"_Gah!_" Shikamaru sputtered. "What is this?" He examined the Styrofoam cup. "This is not my brand of ramen, Temari!" He crumpled up the cup in one hand, which burst into a flurry of noodles and broth. "I will hunt down the distributor of this horrible ramen and he…oh, he will _pay_." Shikamaru fixed Temari with an unwavering stare. "And you--"

"Well, I'm sorry," she replied sarcastically. "I've been a little too busy _giving birth_ to feed your unhealthy ramen addiction. That was brought over by Kankuro yesterday. At least _he_ helps me out.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

"You're just like my mother," he grumbled. "Troublesome woman."

Tightening her fists, Temari suppressed the urge to scream.

* * *

Temari let out a slow, steady breath. She just had to keep herself from thinking about the wedding. Then everything would be all right.

Oh, hell. How could she forget about the wedding when it was only two days away?

She noticed that Shikamaru had suddenly stopped walking. She bumped into him.

"What's the matter, Shikamaru?" she said unenthusiastically.

"I have _another_ confession to make," he said quietly.

_Oh no_.

"You know Jiraiya?" Shikamaru asked.

"Yes," replied Temari, unsure of where he was heading. "The one who writes the perverted books. What about him?"

"Well…" Shikamaru took a deep breath and stared into her eyes. "I've decided to follow in my idol's footsteps. I'm writing the next Icha Icha Paradise book."

Temari looked at him, confused.

"You're…what?"

"I figure that this will be a good way to earn an income and support our family," Shikamaru stated matter-of-factly. "But…" He frowned.

"…I'm going to have to do some _research_."

"Research," echoed Temari. "What do you mean by…?"

Shikamaru produced a pen and notebook. He smiled.

"Bathhouses."

* * *

Temari stared numbly at her fiancée, who was sifting through the contents of his backpack, searching for a pair of binoculars.

"Troublesome zipper," he mumbled, tugging at the metal teeth, "can't get the damn pocket open…"

Temari forced herself to blink.

She had followed him to a bathhouse, where Shikamaru announced that he was going to fit in a little bit of research before heading to Ichiraku Ramen. They now sat behind the large fence surrounding the women's hot springs, hidden in the bushes.

Shikamaru. Writing…sex novels?

_No_. Temari shook her head. This couldn't be right. She had left Konoha seven years ago. But when she had come back, she had found Shikamaru, her closest friend, completely changed for the worse.

She barely knew him anymore.

"A-ha!" Shikamaru cried triumphantly, pulling out a pair of black binoculars. "Now I can begin my research."

Temari's eyes widened as he began to pull himself up to peer over the fence. A binoculars was in one hand and a notepad balanced in the other.

* * *

Something boiled in Temari's blood.

She could handle every obnoxious thing that Shikamaru had done in the past. They were little things…compared to this.

Him. Watching other women. On their _date_.

They were getting _married_, for god's sake.

She had put up with every little disgusting piece of unconventional behavior that Shikamaru had displayed in the past five days. She had put up with the shock of seeing her former friend acting like a disgusting psychotic _freak_.

This was the final straw.

The breaking point.

Temari snapped, throwing all of the warnings, all of the orders of the Suna council out the window.

* * *

With a loud shout, Temari grabbed Shikamaru by the collar before he could peer over the fence and sent him flying into the air. He landed on the other side of the street, in a clump of yew bushes. Temari leapt in after him.

"_Screw the diplomatic rules_," she hissed. "I'm_ DONE_!"

Shikamaru, who was lying on the ground, stared up at her in surprise.

"You," Temari growled, "are the most _obnoxious_ excuse for a human being I've ever met. You have the most god-awful fashion sense and avenger complex _I've ever seen_." She took him by the collar and began to shake him violently. "And you have the gall to watch other women! ON OUR DATE! _TWO DAYS BEFORE OUR WEDDING_!"

She let go of his collar and shoved him away.

"I can't stop the wedding," Temari said icily, "but I would _never_, _ever_ willingly marry an idiotic, psychopathic bastard like you."

Shikamaru got to his feet, his expression livid.

"Me? A _psychopath_?!" Shikamaru shouted. "_You're _the psychopath!" He grabbed Temari by the shoulders and glared into her eyes. "I tried _everything_ to make you run to Gaara and call off this whole thing! I even had to embarrass myself in front of my whole village! And you…"—Shikamaru lowered his voice to a furious hiss–"_enjoyed_ it, you sick woman!"

"_ENJOYED_ it?!" Temari was furious. "You think I enjoyed the things you put me through, you idiot?!"

…_And call off this whole thing…_

Her eyes widened. "Wait, what did you say about me running to Gaara…?"

Shikamaru exploded. "Why do you think I attacked a piece of meat in front of a restaurant?! Why do you think that I went out in public dressed like I did?! _Why do you think I insulted you and asked you about having nine children_?!" His voice was hoarse from shouting. He lowered his voice to a raspy whisper.

"I would do anything to stop this wedding."

He was gone, disappearing into the rising darkness, leaving Temari stunned in the grass.

* * *

A/N: Next chapter: The Conclusion. Coming to you in a few days' time. 


	7. Unexpected Succor

**Author's Note**: Wedding chapter, finally! It is pretty long compared to the other chapters (14 pages!); that's why it took such a long time. I apologize for the delay!

There is one last chapter after this one. This chapter and chapter eight will be put up at the same time.

Thanks again to everyone who reviewed! You don't know how much it helped. Thank you so much.

Enjoy!

* * *

_Day Before the Wedding: 8:00 AM._

_Nara Household_

"Yoshino."

Nara Yoshino turned around and fixed her husband with a terrible stare.

"_What_?"

Shikaku gulped slightly as he gripped his coffee mug. His wife was never a morning person.

"Do you…do you think it was right to sign up Shikamaru for the wedding?"

Yoshino planted one hand on her hip. "Are you questioning me, Shikaku?"

"Er, no…?" Shikaku's knuckles were white. He cleared his throat. "I was just asking because…"

"Because why?"

"Well…" Shikaku fidgeted slightly. "Shikamaru _has_ been acting…strangely…lately."

"He always acts strangely," Yoshino replied, turning back to the sink. "He's unmotivated." She paused as she scrubbed at a dish with a washcloth.

"That's why I signed him up. I've always told him that he should participate in extracurricular activities."

Shikaku didn't bother telling his wife that getting married hardly counted as an extracurricular activity. Instead, he wisely decided to ignore the comment.

"No, not that kind of strange," her husband held up a Polaroid. "_This _kind of strange."

Yoshino dropped a dish.

"He _didn't_—"

"Uh-huh," Shikaku nodded. "This was taken a couple of days ago." He smiled sheepishly. "I followed them on their date."

"He used my _curling_ iron," Yoshino said, aghast. "And…is that my _lipstick_? My _good_ lipstick?"

Shikaku wore a grave expression.

"I have a feeling that he's trying to stop the wedding."

Yoshino pulled up a chair. "Does this mean…?"

"Yes," Shikaku said solemnly.

His wife furrowed her eyebrows. "But why didn't he tell us?"

"He does tend to keep to himself," remarked Shikaku. He sighed. "I hope the poor kid is okay."

* * *

_Day Before the Wedding: 3:00 PM_

_Supply Closet_

"Everyone here?" whispered Temari, holding up the candle.

"I think so," replied Shikamaru.

"Get me out of this bucket, you son of a bitch," shouted Hidan from the metal pail. "This is chafing my neck, seriously."

"Shut up," hissed Kankuro. He clucked his tongue. "Geez, you sure are temperamental for a monk."

Hidan scowled. "No fucking way."

"Everyone, settle down," Shino said in monotone. He was sitting on an overturned crate.

"You're not my mother," grumbled Kiba, crossing his arms. He was still miffed over being tied to a chair.

Sasuke ignored all of them, polishing his chokuto and trying to look brooding and mysterious. However, since everyone in the small room was arguing with each other, nobody was paying him any attention.

"Sasuke!" Naruto shouted, suddenly entering the small supply closet. "I didn't know you were here at the meeting!"

The Uchiha rolled his eyes, letting out an exasperated sigh. "Naruto."

Jiraiya followed his pupil into the closet, closing the door behind him.

"Nice place you got here," he remarked thoughtfully. "This would be a great setting for the next Icha-Icha novel."

Temari raised one eyebrow, disgusted.

"In a _supply closet_?" she asked, appalled.

Jiraiya sniffed disdainfully. "It's called creativity, hon."

"Everyone, _be quiet_!" Chouji called. He popped open a bag of potato chips. "Shikamaru has something he wants to say."

"Thank you," his best friend said quietly.

All of the people in the closet immediately complied. There was an urgent tone to Shikamaru's voice.

"As you all know, the wedding is tomorrow," Shikamaru said solemnly, lacing his fingers together. He glanced around the room. Though his face was composed, his eyes were pleading.

"We need your help."

* * *

_Night Before the Wedding. 8:00 PM_

_Toshi Restaurant_

Temari and Shikamaru sat across from the Hokage and Kazekage. The restaurant had been rented out to their group for the night. It was eerily empty, Temari thought. Without the comfortable clinking of silverware and low chitchat, the atmosphere was tense, as if it was sucking in its breath.

Like it was waiting.

Tsunade rested her chin upon her hands.

"How are you two doing?" she asked, tilting her head to one side. "Excited?"

"Oh, of course," Temari said cheerfully. She looked at Shikamaru, who gave her a soft smile. "We're ecstatic."

Shikamaru placed his hand over Temari's. She smiled shyly.

"I can't wait," Shikamaru said, giving her hand a squeeze.

Gaara was impassive.

* * *

_Wedding Day. Noon._

_Dressing Room._

"Are you nervous, Temari?" Nara Yoshino asked.

It was the day of the wedding. Temari's hands fidgeted, the thick silk of her kimono hiding their quaking. She glanced at the clock.

_Tick…tock…_

The hands chased each other, down and around. Circling. Cat and mouse.

She had explained everything to Shikamaru last night. They had come up with a plan.

But they hadn't mentioned anything from their past. What had happened seven years ago. It was all left in the back of the closet, shoved under a pile of old coats.

But until they relived it, it would be there. Following them. Just like the hands of a clock.

_Tick…tock…_

She squeezed her eyes shut.

"Temari?"

She looked up. Smiled.

"Yes."

* * *

_Wedding Day. 4:07 PM._

_Wedding Hall._

Temari smiled nervously at Shikamaru as the priest cleared his throat. As he opened his mouth to speak, a large commotion was heard over by the wedding cake.

There was a multitude of gasps resonated throughout the room. Jiraiya, who had apparently crashed through the cake, was staggering around, clutching a large bottle of sake. It was half-empty.

"Woo, this is good stuff," he chortled, taking a large swig. He ambled towards Tsunade, who was sitting closest to the wedding cake. Large chunks of frosting dropped off the front of his shirt.

"_Jiraiya_!" Tsunade gasped. Her expression quickly turned to anger. "What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?"

"I'm here for the party," Jiraiya slurred. He held out the sake bottle. An offering. "Hey hon. Want some? It's the finest."

Tsunade gulped. She had to resist.

Oh, but it looked so good…

_No_. She was the Hokage. This was a very important wedding. She, under no circumstances, could drink.

But…

Tsunade's arm slowly extended, when there was a sudden crash.

* * *

_Night Before the Wedding. 8:05._

_Supply Closet._

"Shino," Shikamaru stared at the stoic nin, "you're going to have two jobs. Your first duty is to pretend to be the priest."

He nodded.

"And then after Phase II, come back to the supply closet and help Hidan."

Shino nodded again.

"Jiraiya," Temari said carefully, "you're going to be our distraction."

"Me? A distraction?" Jiraiya said doubtfully. "What do you want me to do?"

"We need you to distract Tsunade so Phase II can commence," she replied. "What's something that Tsunade can't resist?"

Jiraiya chuckled, shaking his head. "You don't know Tsunade, do you?"

Temari gave him a confused look. "What do you mean?"

The toad Sannin grinned.

"One word, honey. _Sake."_

* * *

_Wedding Day. 4:08 PM._

_Wedding Hall._

"Oh my god!" one of the guests screamed. A black cloud of smoke drifted at the altar. "The priest has been kidnapped!"

Tsunade and Gaara glanced at each other.

This was not good.

"_Attention, people of Konoha and Sunagakure_," a booming voice sounded overhead. The guests ignored it, scrambling around and shrieking, searching for an exit.

"_SHUT THE FUCK UP!"_

Startled, everyone froze.

"_Listen up, heathens. My group of S-class missing nin will kill the priest if you don't give in to our demands. I'm not kidding you, seriously_."

Sasuke had suddenly gotten up, unsheathing his chokuto.

"How dare you intrude on this arrangement," he spoke impassively, an edge in his voice. "Show yourself so I can kill you!"

"Sasuke," Naruto shouted from across the room. "Are you out of your mind, idiot?! We don't know who these people are."

The Uchiha ignored him, glancing around with narrowed eyes, searching for the source of the voice.

"I will kill you," he muttered.

The voice burst out into laughter. "_That's what she said, buddy_. _Go to hell_."

There were screams as the room was suddenly filled with a curling cloud of gray smoke, thick and heavy, pressing into everyone's shoulders. The room was in total chaos—guests tripping over one another, muffled shouting, chairs being overturned in an effort to leave. Unfortunately, the doors were barred shut from the outside.

They were trapped.

Almost as quickly as the smoke appeared, it was gone. Tsunade gasped.

"Where's Sasuke and Naruto?" she demanded. "They were right here a moment ago!"

"_My group has taken them in_," a deep, male voice said. _"Let this be a warning. If this wedding continues, we will not be afraid to attack Konoha._"

"Stand back." Jiraiya staggered up, waving around his bottle of sake. "I will protect this wedding if it's the last thing I do!"

Everyone stared at him.

"I'm a Sannin," he said thickly.

"Jiraiya, you're _drunk_," Tsunade hissed. "You can't expect to go and fight. _I'll_ go. I'm a Sannin too."

"Wait." The Kazekage was calm. "You're the Hokage. We cannot risk losing you. Let Jiraiya go."

"You're kidding_," _she said, raising her eyebrows.

"I never kid," Gaara replied.

* * *

_Night Before the Wedding. 8:09 PM._

_Supply Closet._

"Hidan," Shikamaru said, "you're going to be the ringleader of a cult. Shino, after he is supposedly abducted, will return here to assist you."

"And why should I help you?" Hidan spat. "You cut off my _head_."

"Well, if you don't help…" Temari broke in, smiling evilly. "…I guess I'll just have to throw you into the sewage system."

"You are one crazy bitch," the missing-nin said admiringly. He glanced at Shikamaru, his features twisted in a grin. "I'm jealous, seriously."

Shikamaru regarded him stiffly, choosing the moment to illustrate the next step of their plan.

"Sasuke will be the first victim," he said, glancing at the Uchiha. "You'll threaten to attack and—"

Sasuke glared at him. "Me? A _victim_? I think not." He crossed his arms. "Uchihas are _never_ victims."

"Oh, lighten up, Sasuke," Naruto said.

"You're going to be victim too," Shikamaru said. "Once phase one is complete, Jiraiya will have to be taken in as well. This will convince everyone that this group is powerful and—"

"WHAT?!" Naruto exploded. "Uzumaki Naruto is _nobody's_ victim!" He puffed out his chest. "I'm the next _Hokage_!"

Sasuke smirked. "Idiot."

"_You—"_

Jiraiya held up his hand. "Hey, let's hear what Shikamaru has to say."

Shikamaru gave him an appreciative nod. "Kiba, you'll work with all of the special effects. Think you can handle it?"

Kiba beamed. "Are you kidding me? I'm great with special effects."

"Good," Shikamaru replied. "Chouji, you're going to have to attend the wedding. You're the best man, and it would look too suspicious if you weren't there."

"Fine by me," shrugged Chouji, through a mouth full of potato chips.

"What about me?" Kankuro asked, crossing his arms. "I want a job too."

"You…" Temari's voice trailed off. She looked at Shikamaru. "Does he have one?"

"Er," Shikamaru glanced at Kankuro. "I think we have all of our jobs covered. Sorry Kankuro."

"Screw this," Kankuro said huffily. "I'm leaving."

* * *

_Wedding Day. 4:10 PM._

_Wedding Hall._

Jiraiya stood atop a table, waving his bottle of sake up in the air.

"Come and get me!" his words slurred together.

There was laughter.

"_You're shitting me_," the voice said, delighted. "_An old drunk man? This is just too rich._"

"I'm the _Toad Hermit_—" Jiraiya began to protest. He was interrupted by a sudden cloud of black smoke.

He was gone.

"Jiraiya!" Tsunade exclaimed. She turned to Gaara, her eyes hard. "I'm going."

"No," Shikamaru stepped forward. "Hokage-sama. This is my wedding. I'll go."

He was interrupted by a large explosion off the east side of the room. Large pieces of plaster began raining down, falling through the thick shrouds of smoke seeping in.

"Everyone down!" Shikamaru shouted, crouching. Temari was across from him, staring into his eyes. She leaned in, her breath warm against his ear.

"_What's happening_?"

He turned his head, meeting her gaze. _I don't know_, he mouthed.

This wasn't good.

This is wasn't going according to plan.

They could only watch as their perfect plan began to crumble all around them.

* * *

_Wedding Day. 4:11 PM. Supply Closet._

_Supply Closet._

"Shit," Kiba hissed. "The radio signal's getting scrambled."

Hidan grumbled. "Well fix it then, dog boy."

"It isn't so simple," Shino said calmly. "We bugged the room before the ceremony started. If the chakra-radio signals they're sending are scrambled, then that means that the problems lies within that room. We'd have to go into the room and fix it, and that's something we can't do."

Hidan rolled his eyes.

"Well, what could be the problem?" Kiba asked Shino.

"There could be many problems," replied Shino. "Someone could have accidentally killed my bugs—"

"Ha!" Hidan chuckled.

"—Or somehow, they were covered with a large amount of lead—"

"That's unlikely," Kiba interrupted.

"Or, someone is using a jutsu," Shino continued. "We didn't plant that many bugs, and their chakra can be easily overridden."

Naruto, who had been examining the radio equipment, looked up and frowned. "Jiraiya-sensei. Did you notice anything strange happening?"

Jiraiya shook his head.

"I was busy acting drunk," he said, "but no, I didn't see any irregularities."

Shino closed his eyes. "Something's going on. But without my chakra bugs, we can't hear what's going on. And we can't relay any signals there either. Audio and special effects are shot."

Kiba raised his eyebrows. "Sounds like we're screwed."

Jiraiya sucked in his lip.

"I could return," he said, "but then that would confirm to the Kages that there is no cult and they aren't under attack. Then there would be no reason to stop the wedding."

Sasuke suddenly spoke. "But they are under attack, but by a different organization. Most likely a legitimate one."

From his metal pail, Hidan suddenly spoke. "Hey. Bug-boy. How far can your bugs travel without a host?"

Shino pushed up his glasses. "I'd say about fifty meters."

"No good," Jiraiya remarked. "The wedding hall is about one hundred meters away."

"Fuck." Hidan squinted. He glanced up at Shino. "But what about a bunshin? Can that act as their host, Bug Boy?"

Shino tapped at his lip. "Yes, I suppose…"

"Then do it, godammit," Hidan barked. "The sooner this is over, the sooner I can get out of this pail."

* * *

_Wedding Day. 4:12 PM._

_Wedding Hall._

The smoke had nearly cleared. The entire east wall, along with a good-sized portion of the ceiling, were completely blown out.

A dark figure suddenly stepped in.

Shikamaru made a startled noise in his throat.

The man was dressed in all black. His face was hidden behind a black mask. Shikamaru noted that he wasn't wearing a hitai-ate.

A metallic-sounding voice came from the man.

"This wedding shall stop," he stated in a cool tone. "If these two are married, I will order my cult to kill all of those captured."

"Are you part of the same organi—" Gaara began, but was cut off.

"No."

"Then why…?"

"I am part of a rival faction," the man replied. "We have captured them _and_ their captives." He glanced lazily at Tsunade. "That's right. Even the drunk Sannin."

Shikamaru clasped his hands together.

"_Kage nui_!"

There was a loud scream, then a sudden flash of metal.

_Temari_, Shikamaru thought faintly, as he suddenly sank into unconsciousness.

* * *

_Wedding Day_. _4:17_. 

_Supply Closet._

"What's that noise?" Sasuke said under his breath, snapping his head in the direction of the door. Shino looked up, startled. He was about to perform _kage bunshin_ so they could see what was going on.

"_Fuck_," Hidan hissed.

The door slowly opened—

—And in entered a masked man dressed all in black.

With an unconscious Shikamaru slung over his shoulder.

Kiba shouted and jumped back. Bugs began flowing from Shino's sleeves, as Sasuke leaped to his feet and assumed an offensive stance. Jiraiya waved around his bottle of sake menacingly. Hidan began screaming expletives from his bucket.

"Calm down," the man ordered. With his free hand, he pulled off his mask.

It was Nara Shikaku.

"What the fuck," Hidan said bluntly.

"I second that," Kiba called. Akamaru, who had been napping in a corner, let out a melancholy howl.

"Listen," Shikaku said quietly. "I know that Shikamaru is trying to end this wedding, and…"—here his voice faltered—"…now that I know his reason, I'm going to help him out."

"His reason?" Sasuke stated emotionlessly. "What is it?"

"Well…" Shikaku looked down at the comatose form of his son. "I followed him a couple of days ago and…"

They watched him expectantly.

"Shikamaru…" Shikaku looked up at the ceiling, searching for the best way to put it. He swallowed. "He…he's a woman inside."

He was met with an array of dumbfounded looks. Naruto was confused.

"He…doesn't like women," Shikaku clarified. "That's why I've never seen him on a date, that's why he refuses to marry that lovely young woman—"

Shikamaru suddenly sat up and stared at his father straight in the eyes.

"_Excuse_ me?"

"It's all right, son," Shikaku said, pulling his son into an embrace. "I know…well, I _think_ I know how you're feeling, and, well…we'll get you through this."

"Dad," Shikamaru said, irritated. "That's not it."

"Denial." Shikaku shook his head. "It's okay, son. You don't have to hide it any longer…"

Shikamaru sighed exasperatedly as his father patted him on the back.

* * *

_Wedding Day. 4:20._

_Wedding Hall._

Temari scrambled to Chouji's side.

"Chouji," she whispered. "What do we do?"

Shikamaru's jutsu had backfired. The masked man had somehow countered the jutsu and incapacitated him. After quickly performing a kage bunshin, his clone had disappeared with Shikamaru over his shoulder, leaving behind a puff of gray smoke.

Chouji shook his head. "Nothing."

Temari glared at him. "What do you mean, 'nothing'? We can't just—"

"_No_," Chouji hissed. He looked up at the man. "That's Shikaku." His voiced dropped to a nearly inaudible hiss. "_Nara_ Shikaku."

"What?" Temari whispered. "How do you know?"

"I've trained with the Naras long enough to recognize him," Chouji replied.

"But…" Temari turned her head. "Shikaku's right there, see? Behind the piano, next to Yoshino."

Chouji shook his head.

"The masked one is a bunshin." He smiled faintly. "The one next to Yoshino is real."

Temari's eyes widened.

"So they have a plan," she said quietly. "Hopefully."

* * *

_Wedding Day. 4:35._

_Supply Closet_.

Shikamaru finished smearing the last of the deer's blood across his cheek.

"Are we ready?"

Jiraiya, Sasuke, and Naruto nodded. Their clothes were torn and bloodstained. They had scratched up their faces applied deer's blood to their clothing, from a small pouch Shikaku had provided. They looked like that had just participated in a dangerous brawl.

"Do you all understand the plan?" Shikaku said. "You're all going to go in, kill my bunshin, and say that you fended off your capturers." He sucked in his breath. "But…one of you has to be badly injured."

"What?" Naruto asked, eyes wide. "You never said anything about that! _Why_?"

"So then the Kages are under the impression that the enemy they're dealing with is dangerous," Shikamaru answered. He looked up a t his father. "I'll do it."

"You're a brave kid," Shikaku said softly. He held out a small leather pouch. "Here. Herbs to numb the pain. It'll also prevent you from fainting from blood loss."

Hidan glanced at Shikamaru, obviously jealous.

Shikamaru took it and gingerly shoved the wad in his mouth. He took out a kunai and after a moment, decisively swiped the metal across his side. Dark red blood bloomed from his clothing. He winced.

"Let's go," he said, flinching. Naruto came forward and supported his sagging form. "What are you going to do, Dad?"

Shikaku smiled.

"I'm a bunshin."

And with that, his father vanished.

* * *

_Wedding Day. 4:45._

_Wedding Hall._

Temari glanced at the masked man, who guarded the opening very carefully. He twirled a kunai in one hand.

"Chouji," she whispered. "I have a plan. Cover me."

"What?" Chouji said, but Temari had already pulled him to his feet.

"You!" Temari called out, her voice indignant. "What the _hell_ are you doing at my wedding?!"

Chouji gaped at her.

The masked man turned in her direction. "So would you like to join your friends?"

Temari pulled a kunai from her sleeve and held it up.

"I'm not going to," she stated firmly. "Prepare to die."

The masked man chuckled. "I can alert my associates and order them to murder your friends, blondie."

Gaara stood up. "Temari. Stand back."

"If either of the kages attempt to fight," the masked nin said, "I will call for the immediate execution of your friends. Including the Sannin."

Tsunade shook her head. "Jiraiya can fight back," she said confidently.

"No," the nin's lip curled. "He's too drunk to do anything. He's passed out right now."

"Shit," Tsunade chewed her lip. "We're trapped. We can't fight back or he'll kill them."

Without warning, Temari ran forward, the fabric of her kimono rustling around her legs. She could hear shouts behind her, people yelling at her to stop.

She was only a few feet in front of him. She leapt in the air, her grip tightening on her kunai. The nin grabbed her by the wrist, flinging her to the ground.

"Shikaku," she said under her breath, as he gripped her arm. "Wound me. I have a plan."

The man looked surprised, letting her arm go. She glared at him.

"Do it."

And then she felt the kunai slash painfully across her shoulder.

* * *

_Wedding Day. 4:48._

_Wedding Hall._

Gaara was up on his feet. His sister had crumpled to the ground, blood running from her shoulder. He narrowed his eyes. He didn't have his gourd of sand. And they were surrounded by concrete. Taijutsu and genjutsu were out of the question. Gaara looked around frantically. There had to be a potted plant somewhere.

"Forget it," the masked man called out. "If either of you try to attack me, I'll call for the execution." He held up a small device. It was a tiny microphone. "I'll do it."

Tsunade growled angrily. She hoped that Naruto and Sasuke had been able to overpower his associates. But then again, they didn't know how many members there were. Konoha could be surrounded for all they knew.

All of a sudden, there was a loud noise.

A large glass exploded over the nin's head. He disappeared in a puff of smoke.

_A bunshin!_

Behind him stood Jiraiya, looking proud as he waved the broken sake bottle in the air.

* * *

_Wedding Day. 4:50._

_Wedding Hall._

Shikamaru stumbled forward. He was bleeding profusely from his abdomen.

"We overpowered them," he said weakly. "But all of them escaped into the forest. They're probably gone already."

Yoshino and the real Shikaku ran forward. "Shikamaru!"

Naruto and Sasuke stepped in behind him, covered in blood and battle-weary. They showed signs of fatigue.

Tsunade stepped forward. "So everyone's gone?"

"Yes," Shikamaru said. "They're gone. The…wedding can continue."

"No!" gasped Yoshino. She glared at the Hokage. "Hokage-sama, my son is injured. I am in no way allowing him to get married in this condition."

Something white and red caught Shikamaru's eye. His eyes widened.

"Temari?"

She was crouched on the ground, one hand clamped over her shoulder. She gave him a victorious smile.

Gaara stepped forward, standing protectively in front of his sister.

"This wedding shall not commence," he said firmly. "There is a high chance that those two groups may come back." He looked apologetically at his sister. "And my sister is…injured." Gaara lowered his voice. "I have to attend to her needs."

"Yes," the Hokage said decisively. "This wedding…is cancelled."

* * *

_Wedding Day. 7:17 PM._

_Lotus Hill._

Temari and Shikamaru, their wounds freshly bandaged, were sitting outside atop a large hill overlooking the remnants of their wedding ceremony. The sun was sinking behind the Hokage mountain in the distance, folding into a warm cusp of light. Overhead, the sky was heavily streaked with brilliant orange, vivid vermilions. Crashing together in abrupt, unexpected waves.

It was chaotic, Temari thought, gazing into its depths. But beautiful at the same time.

Shikamaru suddenly spoke, causing her to turn towards him.

"Temari," he said, staring into the sky, "I just want to know. Why did you leave for all of those years? Why didn't you tell me?"

She gave a short, bitter laugh.

"Sunagakure," she said quietly, "was dealing with a conflict with the Leaf Village. They wanted me to return immediately so I could become one of their security officials. So I could protect the Kazekage." She turned her head towards Shikamaru, gaze unwavering. "I had to leave and quit my job as a liaison as soon as I received the message. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye."

She lowered her eyes. "I'm sorry, Shikamaru."

He gave her one of his smiles, one those smiles that Temari had dreamed about those seven years. He shook his head. "Don't be."

They turned back to the clouds, heads tilted skyward. Royal blues, darkening with every fevered sweep of the brush, smeared over the bright expanse above. Light was waning now, deepening into a something tranquil.

It was in this half-light that their hands met, fingers lacing together. Temari smiled.

They could start from where they left off those seven years ago.

Or forge something entirely new, building something deeper than what they had previously had.

"Hey," Shikamaru said suddenly. "Do you want to go to Ichiraku Ramen?"

"Like a date?" Temari asked, laughing. She grinned at him playfully. "As long as you don't act like an idiot."

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow, his face threatening to break out into a smile. "As long as you don't act overly nice."

She laughed. "I promise. It's a date." Temari gave him a genuine smile, squeezing his hand.

He met her eyes. "A real one."

Hand in hand, they made their way down the hill.

* * *

**A/N**: ShikaTema is love. I wish I could have written more fluff, but after just resolving their conflict, I thought it seemed too soon for much more. 

This was going to be the last chapter, but there is an epilogue next chapter. It ties everything together and…there's a twist!

Reviews would be very much appreciated!


	8. Epilogue

**A/N:** Epilogue to _Misconceptions._

* * *

"Good," Tsunade said, folding her hands. "This is very good news, Kankuro."

"If what you saw is correct," said Gaara, "things are going according to plan."

Kankuro tapped his forehead, grinning. "I tailed them to Ichiraku Ramen. I know what I saw."

Gaara nodded. "Excellent. The two villages will be linked after all."

"Now that they've rekindled their relationship," Tsunade mused, "I'd say that their wedding will take place in a couple of months, wouldn't you?"

A faint smile played on Gaara's lips. "Yes, I think so. And _this_ time, they will participate in it willingly. It will be a beneficial situation for them and for our villages. We _do _need a marriage to seal the alliance, after all."

Beaming, Kankuro crossed his arms and leaned against the wall.

"Reverse psychology is fun, ain't it?"

Tsunade picked up her papers and stood up, her chair emitting a high-pitched screech as it scraped against the floor.

"Well then," the Godaime said, "I'll see you two at the wedding."

High heels clicking against the floor, Tsunade made her way out of the room. As soon as the door clicked shut behind her, Kankuro turned to Gaara, chuckling.

"So you guys planned this from the start, huh?" he said admiringly.

"Yes," his brother admitted.

Kankuro tapped his chin thoughtfully. "So let me get this straight. You knew that Shikamaru was still miffed over Temari's seven year disappearance. And you knew that Temari hates people meddling with her love life. So you pushed them into a marriage."

Gaara spoke evenly. "We purposely gave Temari a set of diplomatic rules to force her to put up anything Shikamaru did, because we knew that Shikamaru would resort to drastic measures to get out of the marriage. He was still secretly hurt and angry at Temari."

"So then you made them go on a week's worth of dates so they would get put off by each other," Kankuro was delighted at the kages' scheme. "And then finally, they both snapped and the truth came out on both sides. Then they decided to work together to stop the marriage. So that's why you guys were so unwilling to interfere."

"In the process, they sorted out the whole matter with Temari's absence and rekindled any feelings they had before her leave," Gaara stated calmly. "So in the near future, they will most likely pursue an authentic wedding, where both of them will _wish_ to be married. And then that wedding can be used as the bonding contract between Konoha and Sunagakure."

Kankuro shook his head, impressed. "Clever stuff. Manipulating their feelings—geez, Gaara. You kages are some pretty devious matchmakers."

"This is a strictly diplomatic matter," Gaara said. But he hid a smile.

* * *

**A/N**: LOL, there will be a wedding after all! Those devious kages. XD

Thank you so much for reading _Misconceptions_!

Reviews are love!


End file.
